I opened a letter from someone saying how they had heard your story, wanted to help, but they only had 1 dollar. The cancer had not spread and was confined to just that one area. They make me want to take on the world because I know I can change this. A small part of me thinks that if we had indeed lived in this small little sleepy town, that you would still be here. A long talk with Mr. Sparkly eyes, an email from my Mrs. Its bullshit and something no parent should ever have to experience. I sent Dr. Jo a text to tell her that this conference desperately needed her there. I love you. Ryan Star - Wikipedia I guess I wrote a lot about having another baby when you were still here. Please make this about more than just science. Ronan. Ive been writing about your treatment, which has been hard. It meant that kids are dying, dying, dying and nobody is paying attention. I am sick and tired of this blinding sun. I was wrong. I dont feel brave. This book writing has left me not sleeping or eating well and may be part of the reason why I feel like Im no the verge of a breakdown. We simply wanted some fucking lightbulbs changed out for one day, to recognize this world that deserves better. The world of childhood cancer deserves so much more. Im full fledged in the middle of writing this book. How I am trying to manage everything like my stress level and this pregnancy. This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. Everything seems to be suffocating me. Thank you., Mr. Sparkly Eyes: I miss him. I might have to end this now. They dont have a clue as to what they can tell me about this time around. I live on, for you because I love you so much. I am proud, too Ronan. I know what I've been doing. They had spent the last 4 days, selling cake pops and had made about $73 dollars. When I did finally wake up, I felt like I had been hit by a truck; several times. Trust me. All I can say is I cannot believe all of this. I am sorry. I have been so public with everything and after everything we have gone through, I want this little girl to enter this world as peacefully as possible. I dont get to teach you all the things I dreamed of. We talked about how painful this is, how time does not make things better, but how we both know we will see our babies again, someday. Right in the middle of my breakdown, your Sparkly called. You should not be sitting there. No sleep needed. Ive been having flashbacks of the end of your days, off and on today. Its late now. Its hard to have the all ripped away and still look on the bright side of things. We shared some fruit and nuts. I dont even want fucking justice. I went, not knowing what to expect and it was a total adventure. Pretty soon, Poppy was on the big screen. Would it be too much to ask for the happiness of the world to just go on vacation for a day? I saw your Sparky yesterday. I hurt badly from this and I only get to feel this on a small scale compared to you. No mother is strong enough to survive something like this. I miss you. Plain and simple. He deserved better. You are a writer, plain and simple. Ryan Stahr Kulchinsky (born January 7, 1978) is an American rock singer-songwriter from Long Island, New York, currently signed on Island Records.His first major label record 11:59, released via Atlantic in 2010, reached No. My phone rang. Darling. It actually felt good. Our sad little house where I often work from our dining room table, our kitchen table, and even my bed. Bye Bye Little Sad House! I gave into it. I choose to live in it. We sat outside of her office and I told her some things that I dont share with just anyone. That I needed to see him today. They so want to help with our mission and were so touched by our story that they created this show called Emotional Mojo. Mother fucking asshole cancer. I am really glad I did not die by the death of too many Cadbury Cream Eggs and The Kardashians. Thats what landed me in bed and somehow sucked me into the land of reality television which is so far from reality that it makes me want to barf. If good days existed in my life anymore, today would have been one of them. It doesnt work. Can I just say today, I am so glad I had your Fairy RoMo there with me not only as my dear friend, but as a witness to the amazingness that occurred. This is one of the things that I love most about him. 10 on Billboard Rock albums chart. What is today? The fact that I still dont really feel all giddy and excited about this baby, scares me a little bit. My heart started pounding. Having Quinn home makes me do things around here which you know Im not a fan of. Its because when I first found out I was pregnant, it was the size of a poppy seed. Sometimes the simplest words, say it all. little man. I can feel it. All of my friends are. Ahhhh! How do I even put into words, who he is? We WILL get to the White House to make them fight harder for our kids who are dealing with cancer. I sacrifice myself, for them. Charisma. Maybe, but its the only way I feel like I can survive. I was holding him and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came into the room. Im angry, sad, and feel really let down. What I wouldnt give to have my old life back. Nothing in the world will ever taste as good, smell as good, or feel as good as it did when you were here with me. I'm scattered today; nervous about meeting with the doctor in San Francisco. Ronan. You know what I told him today? I feel like I havent been able to catch my breath all day and its not just from Poppy suffocating me. I ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I finally got your daddy on the phone. Her little face is all filled out. We have days that we still trip, stumble and fall. I would rather not put something into my body if I dont have to. Why is the house so quiet? The little mannequin dressed up like you, looked just like you did when you actually wore the costume. It makes me sad and stings my eyes. It was around 10, that I heard them both crawl into bed with me. As far as an update goes, things here for the most part have been normal. I have not been sleeping well. Please, Ronan. Ill just stick with pie for now. The next thing I knew, this baby started talking and saying, Ronan, Ronan, Ronan, over and over again. Your brothers sat playing on their iPads and I was on the table, getting my little belly lubed up. More than anything. I often feel like after you died, we should have just up and moved to freaking Australia or somewhere crazy. You know you have my utmost respect, always. I said, Sure! Of course you know I am so impatient when it comes to all things being pregnant. Cant a vampire/zombie catch a break around here? Mr. Sparkly Eyes - Page 2 - ROCKSTAR RONAN I think this is all for tonight, Ronan. I was having a really, really sad day but didnt want to let him in on that. Dr. Sholler gets in Friday night to me my surrogate runner and I am so excited to see her and have her here. She will be a part of you and I cannot wait to meet her. A water for me. This one has been in the works for a while but it is nothing I have been pursuing seriously. Once again, I am so grateful and humbled by the kindness of strangers. I am so glad we are here. THANK YOU. Ive been doing enough reading of my blogs due to this book writing and I dont feel like going back to read about the holiday seasons and how hard they have been for me every year since you left. This appointment just happened to fall on her birthday! She sat with me for a good half an hour to discuss how I am doing, how I am feeling, how I am dealing with all of this, and how much I miss you. I imagined myself, slapping your picture up on the screen. Pillow case soaked. As long as I get to see it through them. I will always look for you though. It makes me feel happy. I hope today I can manage to be a little productive. I remember with all of you, I read that book, What To Expect, When Youre Expecting. I carried that thing around with me like it was my bible. I know this lesson they are learning in life and about your story will shape them in a way that they will go on to do amazing things. You know that better than anyone. I left the hospital, waiting to hear the news that was the only news there could be. I was in the middle of sending an email when he came down to get me. Ive got to go now, Ro. Thats all for tonight. Nothing gets easier. Handing her your Rocard. Almost too good. Showing her your picture. This is the part where all you lovelies chime in on how brave I am. I kind of miss my Ambien is the devil days. I was excited about this meeting but as always I go in not expecting a thing. Ronan. As I was walking off your Mr. Sparkly Eyes said, Hey, please just give me a smile. She helped me get through the day. That is why it is so important to me to have most of my days, planned out. Your questions are sweet. I just want my best friend back. Its almost as if you are still around so much that you know when I am struggling, and you send someone into help me out or give me a big fucking sign that everything will work out. You look pretty today. I wonder if this will ever get easier. She thought we were all lying to her. She is doing amazing things with it. I know I was in shock but I am also sure I was numb from much of the medication I was on. ? I said I was o.k. They are at practice now. I knew where it was, but I had not touched it since you wore it on our last Halloween together. I could hardly get that story out without choking on my tears. If it was not, things like this would not just continue to happen over and over again. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. Having her here is going to be an overwhelming mix of everything and I know, we are each going to need some time with her, just the 4 of us. But now we have an office! Thank RO for that daddy of yours. I opened the card and it was from some girls that live in our neighborhood. After I left there, my phone rang. And if they do get cancer, there should really be better treatments and options. I cant even begin to think about a nursery. By taking a little time out to go to New York. What perfect timing. A nice email that once again, came again at the most perfect timing. I know myself well enough to know when I am not capable of handling things on my own. I will never understand this. If I wasnt sold on the name Poppy, I sure am now. It brought life, hope, color and reassurance to those still fighting. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. "A number I don't recognize called my phone and left me a voicemail. Those two, will always go by their nicknames. You deserved better, Ronan and I will forever be so sorry that after everything that we tried and did for you that it death was still the final outcome.

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