I just think as long as he is with her I cant move forward and why her?? Doug: Yes. That much I know. Midlife Fog I can only say from experience that I dont want to be right I want to cross my fingers that sooner or later he will wake up!!!!. That it is disrespectful to agree to something and turn around and do the opposite. c. You also tell him that you have noticed that the two of you are on two different paths. He said now he know i wasnt love. Then she set her sights on my husband and he was totally infatuated. After he came back from his 2 week rendezvous with her, he came back to live in our home as though nothing had happened. I feel like I hate the guy! You tell him you want to talk openly and honestly. It just feels so wrong, I feel like we will end up hating eachother. I dont know how many times ive told him you want a different life than this one, go have it and he says thats not what he wants, he just doesnt want to be controlled. I was the work person, telling him to come home, help, clean, etc. Its just hard because she comes to our house( where I live ) manly because of the children. I dare say he wont be home tonight either!!. THAT sets a fire inside me and I just cannot help but start to ask him questions, which annoy him and he starts saying :This will never end. It helps him continue the affair. You take a step back. I know where you are right now. One day he seems to be terrified to lose me, and the next he cant get out the door fast enough. Unfortunately, hed driven the damage to hell and back before I got the resolve to take it away. But right now having been through your exact situation your H cannot do what he is doing. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. Almost 3 years later I make sure I am in control of my happiness. If he wants it so badly, let him do all the work and make sure he gives you everything you deserve and more. I get nowhere asking him questions. I am not sure how this works. He may never want to work on us, especially if we continue life how it is right now. One year ago today we were on a family vacation, I was pregnant, we were happy and excited. Everytime he wants to have sex, and God he wants to have sex all the time he is here with me, it;s like that all he wants to talk about (btw long distance relationship) with me I feel angry and grossed out. I think at this point he has multiple OW and is making bad choices but they are his choices not yours. You have done everything. Sometimes I feel very positive. I told him I will never be able to stop loving him if I see him all the time. He has completely convinced himself he is But everything elseyoud come home, and Id be there. Shortly after I found an organization that tries to help save marriages. Even though he kept telling me how great our marriage was and how happy he was he asked for a divorce. I feel like they are evidence we did something right. midlife crisis when the fog lifts When he wasnt home around 45 mins later I said forget this. She keeps saying she is confused and needs space. How did you control the Panic Attacks? Bc now I feel like thats done with. He doesnt have to deal with any sort of reality of life with her because everything is still virtual. How screwed up is that? I just get so much comfort and enjoyment from food, its my only solace (besides God). But it was not even close to your situation. I can totally relate. And I dont know what I will do bc I will be absolutely devastated. Get control over your life and let him see a stronger you. Dopamine, Yesterday he left to go get something he left somewhere. He would tell her what I was doing and saying. Its not hate or love. The most hurtful words I ever said. He thought I would wait for him to decide what he was going to do. God forbid he EVER show me his phone or prove himself. I have always been the one person in his life thats a complete constant. He wanted what he wanted. Sometimes the only thing people understand is a financial impact. My H unleashed 25 years of anger and frustration at me while in the fog. Were not getting better like you think we are he says (from our coaching session). Best of luck keep posting -I honestly believe in my heart you are doing the right thing. How to shake her from the fog or how to take care of myself. but she has told me she has strong feelings for him. Im saying you change by re-defining your marriage. Trying to be perfect. It is a nightmare that keeps reoccurring. And living in limbo, walking on egg shells day in and day out was not a way to live. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. BUt how the hell do you SHOW that youre moving on in life when you have a 5 month old baby that you are trying to get on a schedule and you have to be home pretty often and he sees & knows that.I feel like in this ENTIRE situation I have not been given a shot. My CH didnt really seem to be an a fog and just cut all contact with the OW. I dont want a husband like this. That was NOT a good time his whore actually was going to come to our house I said bring your retarded ni**er whore ass to my house I was waiting with my sons pitbull and I told her my husband and I that we were waiting with a pit bull (she was scared to death of ) for her she NEVER has shown her face she left state as I did inform her legally if I saw her face I would have her arrested she left NY and went to Houma La never to be heard from again. I told him I know you email her. I had complete control and I was telling him what would happen. You are wasting your time. You make no demands and ask no questions. Its like him proving a point that were not a couple. He is very selfish. Just this past weekend, Saturday night he said he was going for drinks with a friend and would be home by 8. It will protect YOU from his poor choices and lying. And Im also terrified he will rush into a divorce, when we have both said all along we didnt want to do that yet. He went out after work, didnt call or text me, didnt come home until 2am. And lets say you NEVER again mention talking to her. You were hurting me, but I wasnt aware of it. In your case your H wants a M on his terms. My CH has an exceptionally hard head. Prayers to you for all that you have suffered. But the cheater continues to push us away. Stronger yes, but much more guarded, almost jaded. And I know hes still in there somewhere, but maybe his love for me is just not what it was. Had he pulled this crap before the baby I probably would have told him to kick rocks, get his shit together, and get back to me when he woke the hell up and realized what a mistake he was making. But when Im aware of being hurt every day, that is a really difficult pain to get over. Or me NOT inviting him and hes left out and im inconsiderate. You may have to end the conversation if he continues the lies b/c you will go nowhere. I work out, I want to be healthy, I want to be a great mom, and he can continue living whatever life he wants. My husband is a liar he has been his whole life . And when she told me they were s seeing each other it explained everything. The damage has been done. I have come to realize that as long as she is in the fog I cannot love her enough or do enough for her to want to save our marriage. . we are seeing a councillor. My wife began an EA after a trip out of town. And it made his head spin. 2. Long story short, I was willing to forgive him but he couldnt cut her off. But actions dont lie. He answer negatives, so I guess Ill cling to that! I very rarely said no to him to being out with his friends without me. You are very smart. Talked to a coach on the phone from this outfit 3 months after the workshop, and when asked if we wanted to save our marriage, I responded a resounding Yes! H..I dont know. Me, I would have not reacted immediately to a strange text I accidently saw. Then, you started acting like This, so what all is there to know?. Theres no other way I know of, but to make them feel instant consequences for such actions. We are just now, and I mean literally in the last couple weeks communicating in a real way, but the relationship may be so damaged now, its unfixable and I have a lot more additional trauma to deal with, from fights, lack of empathy, being called jealous or crazy or hysterical, I dont know what to believe, and Im so much farther past it, with him just now beginning to absorb the absolute terror, trauma and other effects. Justify and rationalize the cheating and lifestyle choices in any way necessary. Is sick of me accusing him, said I made him leave the house and hes out and he doesnt care anymore, etc etc. The first 2 years of Reconciliation were not easy. I agree most of us BSs would probably love a do over. I sleep all the time (well Pot makes me sleep and eat but all I want to do everytime I leave the house is go back and smoke pot and sleep), I was very ambitious and I had all these plans for my career and for us but Ive lost all the zeal. Started as EA but became more than that. But I just dont know how to act. At that time, 18 months ago, He walked into rehab wanting to win his wife back and he walked out with a girlfriend. Because our relationship was failing. Youre right, he doesnt care, and that is unbelievably sad. If they run backward, This is not my Hs first EA and this one became a PA. Your Plan B may need to be instituted by you. Sorry for rambling, this has been such an awful day. He didnt get home until 11:30, which honestly doesnt bother me, but what bothers me is that he is so unaware of how unreliable that makes him for me. I do think its a positive thing that he chooses to come home every night, but I hate that he sleeps on the couch, and i hate that he comes home so late some nights. It kills me every, single, day. Make him wonder what kind of life you have going on without him. I think thats helpful. Its a fantasy that the cheater believes is real. After dealing with my Hs frustrating behaviors, affair fog, continuing to see OW and blaming me for everything wrong in his life, I used to go to my wonderfully fabulous thetapist who would put me on the right path. Dont engage in conversations you dont want to. Do not let him blame you for any results b/c that is blameshifting and cheaters love to cast the Blame for their A on everyone else. We had a huge blowout fight on Monday. All Rights Reserved. Thats the part that stays unforgivable. Please trust me on this (and everyone else here who would give you the same advice). Dont live with the disrespect. No begging or pleading. Thank you so much for your response. And he said in it that a man having an affair can fall back in love with his life, but it doesnt depend on how good his relationship is with the other woman, it depends on how good his relationship is with his wife. I cannot continue feeling like im being walked all over, and I dont think he knowingly walks all over me, but its just how I feel when my HUSBAND cant even treat me like his wife. And the minute he lies and you know it you calmly tell him that you expect him to be honest with you no matter what. I did not mean to imply you should file for D. But know what your options are in the future. Am I coming home too early? I dont want to live under her thumb. When thats not it at all. Six weeks ago Im still calling my husband a liar for NOT forcing his whores out of our lives with the same ugliness he brought them in with he has not dealt with any of this crap and his sewer rats keep popping up over and over with their skanky smell spraying over my life so I continue to stand up for myself . Even if he is talking to her. But he hasnt mentioned that in a week and just has been staying here. No is an answer. I acted pretty blah to him today. It really feels like if I give him any inkling that I want to be with him, he doesnt care. I outed his whores on their Facebook pages I had nothing to hide or lie about funny they shut down their pages as if that changed what they did or how nasty they were to me . A curious and frustrating (for the BS) frame of mind the cheater goes through while in the midst of their affair. 3 months in the relationship he went on a boys trip to paris with his friends. In fact she has gone out on 2 dates with the AP since D day and has moved their conversations to Snapchat to keep them secret. Everyone here will tell you the BS is powerless when it comes to the M and the CS. He would tell me if he had a work dinner or working late (or traveling etc). They are just blinded at the moment. His phone went off a few times last night when he was asleep and I was VERY tempted to look at it, but I didnt. It I held my ground for months. He is still to let me know what his result came up to. Im so sick of being worried that every day a new bomb is going to drop thats going to make my stomach drop and upset me. If possible, wed also like to hear from those of you whose spouse has emerged from the fog, and how you feel that was accomplished. The issue w/ my H was he would tell me be home by 12 pm and show up at 3 am with no call or courtesy. I feel like I have tried all of the above to get my CS out of the affair fog, its been 7 months and he is going strong with the OW. Any advice will be appreciated, thank you. Get yourself a good therapist or counselor. Yes! So is his snide comments that you seeing another guy. Or prettier. So even though I was led to believe our marriage survived his affair in reality his sffair was not over. Eleanor Roosevelt once said No one can make you feel inferior without your permission Work on getting stronger. But now you are in limbo. It has been two years and I feel like my own fog is finally starting to lift. I dont call him a liar. She denies that she has continued the EA but that she has been in contact with the OM. Hes spending his time at a dive bar down the street. If After I found out, I told him it was over and served him with separation papers because Ive been through this before and he never disconnects fully from women who he engages with. And he understood. She was 40 my husband 58. I refuse to e his mom and take care of him like I used to. I learned this from my H cheating. Even if he isnt speaking to the OW, his head is still fogged FOR SURE with what he wants for his life. I hope it does for your H. Before it is too late. He has no right to put you in limbo. Linda: I should not have done that. It is not about control. I think i was pushing her further it to his arms. He wont answer questions. However he was the one that came to his senses. He realized he had everything he wanted and needed and it was right in front of him his whole life. Separate. My H early on was hoping I would demand a D so he could be with the OW but not have any blame. Which is part of the reason you are in limbo. So I was alone with my counselor. And he CONSTANTLY asks me if I want to go do something with my friends and he will keep the baby. since I had no proof back then that anything happened and he denied it I had to accept it. Maybe give your opinion on some of the ones that I mentioned. However that should not stop you from insisting he sign some type of an agreement that will have him pay child support for his children for as long as necessary. Im going to be honest as painful as it is. I got home last night and he was home from work and he was in a great mood. Trust me I know what you are going through. My CH never said that wanted to leave our marriage, just have fun with somebody else. Why would she. But I still feel the need to get some kind of boost from other guys (I dont know what kind of boost). I see what he does and I KNOW I dont want a husband like this, yet I still love him and would want to work on it..WHAT?! & whatever we did before, in the marriage is a death sentence, already. I told him it seems much more like he wants the bar life. The next time he wants to go to a bar until 3 am tell him you will get a babysitter and join him. Let them talk. And do not mention the OW for now. I feel like if I just let go he will come around and wake up and see what hes losing. Finally, we would really like to hear from you about what you think has to happen to get the cheating spouse out of the affair fog so they can begin to behave more rationally and realistically. Im glad I found this blog, so I could vent safely! In that call I told her she was number 15000 she was screaming (he had online pics and smut porn hookups and whatever else he tried to hide) she was nothing special just a nameless faceless whore hole an overused worn out piece of rotten meat I told him he was dead to me he murdered the man I loved to have a whore stroke his ego and his penis . I have purchased Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson and am reading through that. It is such a neat (I know some wont like that word choice) experience to feel how messed up my thinking was. And if hes NOT worried about losing you trust me b/c I have experience in this he may continue this pattern indefinitely. When I found out he had been seeing her behind my back I reslized the affair was not my fault. Lunches everyday, hours of flirting, even when on vacation with us when I was pregnant with my first son. For the same of this marriage I plead to give at least a year, but nothing is improving, after 5 months past, & at the same time, their relationship is growing stronger & more stronger. This was the day after he told me that he wants to come back to bursa, that he never intended to leave here and go to her. We arent loving to one another, we arent affectionate in any way, its just got to be making things worse and worse. This is a man who loved me more than he loved himself. Hes been addicted to online porn for a while and a few times he went beyond just getting his little kicks. Its good to have a place to unload. His reaction had taken him by surprise. I have wanted NOTHING more than to fix us and move forward and be the great couple we have always been, but he seems to be all over the place and completely blames me for the problems in our marriage that lead to his affair. A view from the other side - Various Fog stories Read up on the 180. K. I am sorry he has destroyed you. Too chicken (or too confused to know what he wanted). Everyday I wake up knowing I have a full day ahead of feeling pretty crappy for the most part. They begin to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. Mine also admitted to me that he was having an EA, and cried and told me he was scared. Normal life as far as they could tell. Get a lawyer. And I know THIS isnt what I want for my life, whatever it is he is doing. And a happy emotionally stable parent alone is better than the hell you are living in now. He was rude and nasty and everything was my fault his unhappiness was all my fault. Youre absolutely right. Or smarter. He is here every night, I dont really have any reason to think there is someone he is seeing, but clearly anything can happen. Tell him that this is not what you expected when you married and had children. And it seems like at moments he is completely out of the fog, he seems to be here, himself, wanting to be here, enjoying it. You can only save your M and live happily ever after if one of two things happens; 1. Complete disrespect. Which makes me think hes still slightly in the fog. A clear understanding of what you are legally entitled to in case of a D. Alimony and child support. Start preparing just in case. How is he rewriting history SO much and saying these things and feeling ok about it? Yesterday, he said to me that he had been invited to a concert Saturday night, and I said oh why didnt you go? And I wonder if he will be with her if we permanently split, even though when I bring her up he says things about her as if he doesnt care about her, but I think back to the texts I read between them in January and I just want to melt away. And after two hours he agreed I was right. But for some reason he would change his mind and then regret would appear and two weeks later he wanted a D (yet again). 1. She doesnt trust him. Sooooo my point is my therpist would tell me the only thing you can control is your reaction to him. When I wanted to get in a relationship, I sat him down and told him that the contact had to minimize because I am moving on. Remember the A (or whatever he is doing) is like his drug of choice. ANy and ALL support of this decision is welcomed. And then sometimes its like I do ONE thing and he becomes irritated and I can ALREADY see the wheels turning in his mind of like wanting to get out. Your baby needs one functioning happy parent who is going to put the childs needs first at all times. Hey Mark, Thanks for the comment and sorry that its taken me so long to get back to you, as I must have overlooked your question. All of your responses and advice on this page seem to be so great, and I am going through a similar situation I could really use some advice on. Different than now? Hi Doug But i do feel like he tests me, does that seem plausible? If he declines to discuss honestly, refuses MC and will not try to compromise, then you will soon realize you have nothing to work with. I told him he told me he would give me money weekly and finish the things around the house and he hasnt stuck to his word. I also have to stick to the 180, for myself. Our 25th anniversary came around and HE planned a really nice overnight at a top hotel. Now we are married (family influence I think and I kind of got blackmailed into it by him and my older sister with the nude pictures he had seen before when I asked for us to postpone the wedding) its just a rollercoaster of accusations driving me to do things everytime I start falling back in love with him. And you are doing everything possible to give him a chance. I want SO BADLY to do this 180, I have moments of such confidence where I feel like im going to be fine no matter what, and then I have such moments of sadness where I feel like this is just the worst situation and will never get better and that if I feel this bad then he must too and must think our life at home is miserable, etc. Even if its wrong. Hes proven hes a big liar and a cheat. Its like im just here, I just exist and as long as he can come home to see the baby and feel like im still around, then he feels good to live whatever life he wants. The ONLY time I saw any effort from him was when I kicked him out a few weeks ago and he became extremely scared. I, being the chump I am, told him to go ahead and talk to her that one time because she was in crisis. There is very little the spouse can do to change the cheater during the fog. I looked after their needs while they were younger but he is their dad and he was involved in their lives. Rebecca that is so sad. You dont need to explain yourself. Valentines Day he gives me a card apologizing for his lack of emotion, his emptiness, unhappiness, etc. Selfish. Swell.. Maybe im allowing him too much freedom and he will just love it. Do the 180 the best you can for yourself. This is about you and your M and his choices and behavior. Yet, why arent MY feelings dwindling? F*ck 40: Lifting the Midlife Fog After Milestone Birthday February 7, 2018by Tobin Walsh The 40thbirthday party my wife threw for me was legendary the next days massive hangover being evidence enough. I wish I could control it. I feel humiliated by it all. He realized how disrespectful it was. I played along b/c I had no $ to my name. am i answering his texts the right way?.All things I NEVER cared about before. trouble is the tunnel At some point you need to accept him for what he is and if the M cannot work, then he ha made his choice and then you must do the same. I want to prove to him I can make changes on my end, but he doesnt seem to want to prove to me that I can trust him again. You come first. I had to call the OW to find out the truth and what was going on. Because he chose to stay M. No talking or therapy or pleading or crying had any impact unfortunately. I made that poor choice and I let him justify his A as my fault. Asking no questions is good too (and smart). He said that I am too impatient and I will never be convinced he isnt speaking to her. Which in my head makes me think hes telling OW like ya im at the house for the baby but I sleep on the couch. Just letting you know I know when things dont add up. You have told him he needs to move out. And you can tell him one day its okay by me if you want to leave. Im hoping that today and yesterday feel SO awful bc he is out of town and its just making me crazy, I am hoping once he is back in town I will not feel this horrible. Right now it seems like he could care less, He is probably thinking to himself I knew she couldnt handle me going out. I said go live the life you want to live, just stop coming here afterwards. Its good to know that Im not alone in this. From his actions the last few months it appears as though you were headed to this point anyway. What was happening behind my back, I think I could have handled a lot more because you werent walking in and lying to me. So we will just keep going. He swears he has no contact with the other woman anymore and that none of this is about her. This Fog article and your comments have cleared out a Lot of stuff in my mind, specially the part that he is blaming me to have destroyed our marriage and justifying him dating her, that is how he tell it. The worst was when I called at some point and one of the secretaries told me that they had gone to lunch. Forgiveness takes a long time. I completely committed to 180 and immediately started feeling better. If you say something you have to mean it and stick to it. Its like the 180 but a lesser extent. Because if he continues to cheat you have financially protected yourself. Last night he went out with friends after work and came home very late and I was irritate but tried to just let it go. I changed the locks before he got home, and sent his dad to tell him not to come back unless he was willing to end the affair. I certainly included that in there, as well. Yes, Women Can Have a Mid-Life Crisis, Too - Sunday Edit So he waffles between the singles night at the bar life and being M at his convenience. He told me I only married him to spite my parents. I needed 90 days to get my finances in order. The fog was bad. That new love attraction or high. Im removing myself from it, not the baby. midlife crisis when the fog lifts - akersmmm.com You are stronger than you think. What will he do, where will he go, who will he see, will he text me (he never does anymore unless I do first), will he go out tonight, will he drive to see OW a few hours away and then come back home as if nothing happened.my mind races with questions and it sucks. But he did end up staying the night on the couch. Doug: Im sure that it was. Right now he still doesnt care if he loses me. Like I said, he is still sleeping at home. of course not. I dont talk to him, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me as Im trying to deal with surviving this entire ordeal and Ill send him a how horrible can you be text message. It is an addiction. It hurts. What makes my situation different is that my H came home and admitted the affair. If you want to be with her then youre going to make that choice and im not going to stand in your way. and he said I was wrong again and I just let it go because I have no proof. The only contact we have is a obligatory hug every morning from him as he leaves for work before me. Fast forward seven hours later, and were walking into an awesome 55th surprise party including 40 family and friends that Id been planning for him for three months! As I said, that is the risk. How sad he chose to cheat during your pregnancy and after. As if I got them from another man or something, ya right. Not open to discussion. He calls me or keys me know if his damn train is late. Start disengaging that may make his head spin around. Given equal emotional connection, his investment in his wife and family is much more important than any investment in the OW. Or just dont engage with him except about finances and your baby. I said to him that when he met the OW he became a bar rat bc she was a bartender and he went to her bar everyday after work, and now hes doing that same thing at home, just without her involved. My ultimate goal is obviously for us to be together and work through this, but i cant make him want that. Once it gets difficult or hard, one or other will bail. Im not playing. I sincerely hope it doesnt come to that for you and your children. And you have to go through all that before love can even begin to start being felt again. Thats why I love this blog. I started to prepare for a divorce. Regroup. Because it is not a M. Thats for sure. I redefined my role as his W. I do not back down any more. When were home together and hanging out, things are fine. When we started dating I was madly in love with him. There is no excuse for cheating and doing what he is doing. Saturday morning laying in bed, I ask So how do you picture retirement? He says nothing and talks to the cat.

Example Of Economic Stability, Johnny's Lakefront Kitchen And Bar Onalaska, Tx, Articles S